End of the Line
by parttimeficwriter
Summary: Based on spoilers for 9.8 - don't read if you don't want to be spoiled. R/H.


***Spoiler Warning* Based on something I read in Ian Wylie's latest blog about 9:8. It struck a chord with me and I began scribbling away. I really should learn not to read info about Spooks when I have assignments coming out of my ears! Anyway, this is the result. It's riddled with angst so don't read if you want fluff!**

**Also, it's not beta'd as I haven't had the time. Ignore all mistakes!

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He listens to the long beep of the answerphone as the lights turn to green and he follows the flow of traffic. He half wishes she had answered the phone, that he could have spent a few precious moments talking to her, but he knows that ultimately it is much better to do it this way. She would have cried and, selfishly, he is relieved that he doesn't have to hear her cry. He's never coped well with her tears and he doubts he would be able to bear it at this moment.

"Catherine, it's Dad," he begins, only to pause as words escape him. He swallows hard against the lump that's formed in his throat as he pictures her face and suddenly a hundred images of her and her brother fill his mind, each one fighting for his attention, reminding him of his love for them both. "It's Daddy," he says softly, his mind's eye fixing on a picture of a young Catherine and Graham hugging one another and laughing, "I'm ringing to tell you that I love you. You and Graham. I don't have his number but please, Catherine, let him hear that I love him. I can't tell you what I'm about to do, it's better that you don't know, but there's little chance of finding a way back from it." His voice is beginning to sound shaky to his own ears and he knows that he needs to end it before he betrays his emotions, "I haven't been the perfect father, I know that, but I have loved you so very much, remember that."

He flicks the lever on the steering wheel and waits for the 'call terminated' display to flash before he releases a trembling breath. His vision blurs and it takes him an instant to realise that he is crying. He allows himself this, a moment to grieve, a tiny window in time where he is neither spy nor boss, just a father saying goodbye to his children. He doesn't linger long in his sorrow, knowing that time is precious, he has so little of it left and his journey is almost at an end but he still has one more phone call he needs to make.

He wipes a hand over his face, inelegantly rubbing away the tears that have left tracks on his skin, and clears his throat in the hope that when he speaks again his voice will stay strong. He scrolls through the phonebook and glances at himself in the rear view mirror as he presses the call button. The automated response that greets his call saddens him and makes him smile at the same time. No matter how he wishes he could hear her voice, it is so very like her not to have personalised her greeting.

"Ruth," he sighs, "precious, beautiful, Ruth." He smiles, softly, imagining her automatic self-derision at his endearments, "you _are_ beautiful, Ruth. Indulge an old man and let him pay you a compliment. It's my last chance to." He grips the steering wheel hard, concentrating on the feel of the solid leather underneath his hands so as not to give in to the thought that he might never talk to her again. "I'm almost at the rendezvous point with Lucas. By the time you hear this it will all be over and I will have kept you safe, one way or another." He takes a breath and then another, as he fights against the emotion that threatens to overtake him at any moment. He wants to be strong, he will be strong. For Her. She deserves that much at least. "I'm using these last few precious moments to imagine your lovely face, to picture you smiling at me. That's something that's not happened a lot lately and I miss it. Miss you. Almost as much as I did when you left me. I can still remember how your lips felt against mine all those years ago, on that cold dockside, and I would give anything to go back to that moment and stop you getting on that boat. You wouldn't let me tell you then, you probably don't want to hear it now either, but I need to tell you this; I love you. I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you always, Ruth. I'm sorry, so sorry, for everything you've had to endure because of me; I only hope you will forgive me in time." The sudden jolt of the car alerts him to the change in terrain and he knows that his time with her is up. "I have to go now, Ruth. Goodbye my love."

As the call clicks off he realises that he feels better. Talking to her, even if she wasn't actually there, has made him feel better and he is able to breathe deeply and push away any fear or lingering doubt that this is the best course of action. He has found his strength again and it is no surprise to him that it came from her.

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**I'm very tempted to leave it there but there is scope for a second chapter. Your thoughts would be appreciated!**


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